Jebus hates masterbation.

This morning, I woke up unusually early without the aid of my cell phone alarm and its kick ass wake tune tune. As I fumbled around the house, picking up excess crap that has accumulated around the house over the past few days I got a hankering' for some naughty stuff.

Now without going into detail and ruining everybody's appetite for the next few weeks, I'll just say this... I fired up the computer, got to some searchin' and there was a knock at the door. As I open it, there is a thin older white woman who looked liked Bitsy von Muffling from "Sex and the City" and a heavier set Haitian dude bundled up for the winter.

The Haitian dude started by inviting me to his church and stressing the fact that they do not pass around the collection plate at their new parishioner welcome brainwashing session. Being the nice guy I am, I listened and nodded my head.

Just when I thought it was over, the pamphlet came out of his inner coat pocket.

"Do you have a personal bible?", he asks.

I think for a second. Yes. As I mater of fact we do. We actually have more than one. As I'm writing this I realize that the bibles, plural, are sitting on the bookshelf directly to my right. Mental note, move the bibles.

So as he continues to yap on and on, I start to do that thing I do when I'm speaking to someone that I feel is wasting my time. My eyes start to blur and I find myself looking past the person I am speaking but not actually looking at them. It's a technique that I started when I was giving tours at Disney and my actions became so repetitive that I felt almost robotic. I later mastered this technique when starting my management career.

After what seemed like an eternity, but in reality was only two minutes, I told them I was on a phone call and had to get back to it. They were very polite and said that they would be back.

At this point I began hating the fact that Melissa just put a frosted film on the front door.

After closing the door, I sat back in front of the computer and... wasn't in the mood.

But it did inspire me to write a post! So it wasn't all that bad!

3 comments:

steph 4:32 PM  

AHAHAHHAHAHAAH the last time i was at someone's house when mormons came to the door i was at my sisters and we were right in the middle of watching the exorcist, so it was playing in the background while they talked to her.

Brian 11:27 PM  

Nice!

swirlogirl 10:52 PM  

wait did you just admit to getting ready to do something naughty?




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