I ate a snail. (somewhat)

I apologize for the lack of a Tuesday post. You see, Mel and I got a visit from her mom and sister. We had a great time. We visited a flea market in Mt. Dora. Ones who know me, mostly know that I don't normally attend such places, but this wasn't that bad. In fact I actually saw a "salon" where some dude was getting his mullet trimmed. Oooh la la. There was a tall, balding elderly white gentleman walking around in FUBU socks. It was a parade of class!

While they were here, we attended the 10th Annual Food and Wine Festival at EPCOT. Had a really good time. The food was really good as well as the drinky-poo's. Again, shouts go out to our gal Stac for the hook-ups.

While in the France pavilion, I decided to test my epicurean bravery and try some Escargot. I knew damn well I could not order it on my own, so I said that I would try it if someone ordered it. Mel took the challenge. She said she's had it before. I called her bluff knowing that I've never seen her eat it and I'm sure that escargot is not on many menus in Montana. As I sit at the table and stare at the tiny plate of toasted bread, thick butter sauce and small dark round balls of... Well I just told myself... They're mushrooms. They're mushrooms.

I continued to stare at them to build some strength. "People eat this all the time", I think to myself. "Suck it up already!", Stacy says.

I think, "What is the best way to eat this? Should I place the whole honkin' piece of bread in my mouth, snail and all? Or should I take a small bite?"

I choose to shove it all in and not think twice.

Big mistake. I am now thinking, "There is too much food in my mouth!". It is proving hard to chew and swallow.

There's too much food in my mouth.
There's too much food in my mouth.
There's too much food in my mouth.
There's too much snails in my mouth.
There's too much snails in my mouth.
There's too much snails in my mouth.
There's snails in my mouth!
Holy fuckin' shit! There are snails in my mouth!

I'm having fake flashbacks of being a kid and playing in the dirt and finding snails. I don't know if that ever really happened, but I see it. The memory is real enough. Mel, Stacy and Rachel are watching in horror as my cheeks begin to swell. I'm starting to gag.

I think back... Why did I compare these to mushrooms? I hate mushrooms!!!!

I swallow some. I can feel the sweat pouring down my face. I don't want anyone to wear the snails that are in my mouth at this moment for the rest of the day. I have two options, swallow (which was not looking too appealing) or spit into the napkin. I chose the latter. Into the napkin and into the trash.

I can still feel the slimy bulging mass in my mouth. (Wait a minute, that sounds like a porno). Anywho, you get the point.

Stacy said I got an "A" for effort, but she knew I wouldn't be trying cobra heart anytime soon.


steph 10:16 AM  

AHAHAAHAHHAA yes!!! i'd like to say that i'd be able to eat a plate of snails if they were put in front of me, i really would. i'd love to be able to say i'm that brave.

but to be honest i'd probably throw the fuck up and then have a pizza. 50 points to you for trying, though!

Mel 12:59 PM  

They were really tasty, though. One of the best things I had all day.

He gets a gold star.

swirlogirl 3:51 PM  

what do they put on them or how to they cook them to make them tasty??? and what do they taste like?

Captain Big Wang 4:51 PM  

I can still feel the slimy bulging mass in my mouth. (Wait a minute, that sounds like a porno).
I love it, snails are gross, they grow in your mouth kinda like eating liver IIICK.
You cant expect much from the french though, I mean come on, there are t bones, and new yorks ect. but no lets go to the garden for fucking snails.
This from people who put on more perfume instead of washing their butt, hey Trav, remember Chantel Anthony in school, she was french, her whole family smelled like ass.
P.S. do you still got her lipstick, LOL...

Mel 8:31 PM  

No, seriously, they were REALLY good. They sauteed them (shelled) in butter and wine and garlic and herbes, then put them on top of a toasted garlic crostini and topped it with fresh diced tomatoes.

It was very much like eating steamed mussels with wine and butter. Very yum.

Brian 8:32 PM  


Captain Big Wang 1:17 PM  

Oh I see, they wasted good wine, and garlic to make this, uuuck. Sort of like saying they sauteed a large pile of rat shit, and put it on toast to me. Hey brian, we could start our own restaraunt, we could sautee all kinds of nasty stuff, and put it on toast.
We could call it Grossie Toasties.

Captain Big Wang 1:19 PM  

Did they remove the shit sack before sauteeing, or like oysters, and all the other delicasies the cooked em poop, and all.

swirlogirl 4:32 PM  


Brian 4:48 PM  

Joe, God I hope they did. What do snails eat anyway?

swirlogirl 11:48 AM  

i think they eat poop

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