I hate it.

Anyone who knows me, knows that one of the things I hate more than anything is going to get my hair cut. You sit in a chair for an extended period of time. You try very hard not to move so that you don't run the risk of getting a bad cut or worse, your ear chopped off. The person cutting your hair tries to make small talk. I hate small talk. It's totally mind numbing. "No, I'm sorry, its none of your god damned buisness. I don't need to tell you about my family and my life. I'm sorry to hear about the problems you and your white-trash baby's dad has been doing this week." I've had enough. I've just learned to close my eyes and get to a happy place. A place filled with rainbows, dark chocolate, life-sized rockem' sockem' robots and a fifth of Crown. Oh, and throw in a monkey and a chick in a tight outfit. That reminds me of an idea I had for my own brand of "hair cuttery". Hum.

Anywho, what the hell is it lately with these people that cut your hair? "What number are you?", they ask. "Number?", I reply, "What do you mean number? Social? Phone? Address? Sleepnumber bed? ..."

"Clipper guard number."

"Oh, I don't know, I think someone told me once, but I don't remember. Is that something I should know?"

Now keep in mind, they didn't always ask this question. There used to be a time when you could say, cut my damn hair and they would do it. Now they ask about guard size, hair gel, hair spray, wash or wax. It's all too much.

I remember going with my dad to the barder when I was a kid. It was much simpler then. "A boy's regular". That's it. No extra bullshit. Are these "stylists" so lazy that they have to have me tell them how to make it look right? Shouldn't they know how to do it and do it right?

Next time I stop by to get my mop chopped, I'm asking for a "Man's Regular".


Josh 1:31 PM  

I think I am going to ask for the Business Women's Special...

Captain Big Wang 4:26 PM  

Amen Brian.
You have finally addressed an issue that has plagued us all, I too hate getting my top chopped, my wife is always on my ass to get it done, and I put it off as long as I can.
There aren't many choices, you can either have the overweight white trash bitch snipping away, and at every turn of the chair resting her girthy front half against a new part of your body, or some gelled up, pale faces dude with several earings, and a small taint brush (beard) on his chin, you know, the kind of fella that makes you wonder if he is thinking about cutting your hair, or bending your ass over the chair.
I hate being asked what number too, for shit sake, you went to hair cut colledge for a month, you fucking figure it out, you don't go to burger king, and have to go in the kitchen, and show them how to make your burger, they just do a shitty job, and you live with it.

swirlogirl 7:07 PM  

hehahhaa. precious

Trav 5:30 PM  

That was simply amazing sir.
Jerry Seinfeld better watch out for his crown as the "Observational Comedy King".
'Course, he doesn't throw in a lotta' "shit"s or "fuck"s.
Rachel wants to know when are you doing a new post already? She's crying inside.
I am too.

steph 7:35 PM  

gahahahhahhaahaha!!!!! okay back when i was in college, my hair was much shorter. and i'd go to supercuts, where they apparently aren't very well versed in the ladie's pixie cut, because nine times out of ten i'd leave in tears because number one they wouldn't cut it short enough and number two when they finally did i ended up looking like a little boy.

not because of the short hair assholes, every single one of you who thought that loses 5000 points!!! it was because they gave me that fucking shelf-line-thingie on the back of my head and for the next two weeks, until it grew out just a little bit, i looked like a damn 12 year old boy!

GARRRRRR!!!! i'm so fucking angree now! where's josh, i'm gonna go punch him in the mouth!

Brian 10:21 PM  

Josh, I am so sorry that my blog has caused you pain. If you want, I can call my mother, she is a domestic abuse officer for the Osceola County Sheriff's Department. You're a little out of her jusisdiction, but it might help.

swirlogirl 4:45 PM  

your mom and josh could be partners in a buddy cop movie!

Brian 7:56 PM  

I'd pay to see that movie.

steph 9:57 AM  

dude so would i!

Josh 7:52 PM  

She's a seasoned Domestic Abuse Officer with only days until retirement, He's a rookie fresh out the academy, from the wrong side of the tracks and a chip on his shoulder the size of Maryland,, but they are going to have to learn to work together to bring down crime in the big city... if she can keep from getting Amnesia!!! Bum bum bum....
Coming this fall to FOX, "Good Cop, BAD Cop" You be the judge, or else they will.

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